It was lost for a while. I thought for a long time that friendship was a thing for children, something you grow out of, like shoes, or Easter egg hunts, or god. In childhood, it was companionship. It was also a power struggle. You’ll be Ashley, but I’m going to be Mary Kate. I will always be Mary Kate. It was simple, at least as much as I can recall.

In adolescence, it was burning, passionate, full of an immense love and obsession. We took baths together. The platonic love we shared won against all others. We were invincible together. The rare times we were apart, we were stronger, knowing the other existed. It was a kind of indomitable power that can only be gained through a divine connection, and suddenly, we grew back into god. Our love was god.

Adulthood is different. Adulthood is pragmatic. The connections I make must be intentional. I find myself scheduling time for relationship building. God help me. For a while, I couldn’t understand this transition. “If the fire wasn’t there, it wasn’t there,” I told myself. I had grown out of friendship, and god, yet again. But then I found it in a different way. Every single day, this pragmatic friendship grows closer and closer to the burning, fiery, formidable, bulldozer of love that carried me into adulthood. Every day, I come closer to creating god again.