Of course it’s food!! 2 creamer cups in my coffee this morning—what creamery did that come from? I didn’t even read the label. I can’t stop thinking about the two creamer cups. Why did I have to put it in my coffee? “To cool it down,” I told myself because I didn’t have my water with ice yet, but I think I just wanted cream. Generally, 1 TBSP Creamer in each cup, 50 Calories each, 100 Calories for one cup of coffee and which creamery did it come from? Large dairy companies who pump milk from cows until they aren’t able to produce anymore or breed anymore and then shoot them; worse, the pollution caused by the dairy industry, on a planet where we have exhausted our resources—the guilt has been following me for 12 hours. I have exhausted my resources.

½ Cup Oatmeal for breakfast 2 T Ground Cinnamon 1 Banana and 1 T Crunchy Peanut Butter. This is fine. Every morning, substitute banana for apple, if the bananas aren’t ripe yet,

Wait exactly four hours.

One protein bar, It’s a new one, but the same company, no sugar, no dairy, no processed flour, with extra fiber to help with digestion. Those protein bars are expensive and I eat one a day usually. I love it-not eating meals, these ones taste better than the old ones and don’t make me feel as full, they have nuts but the other ones are ONLY nuts. This one has some fiber in it at least 190 calories instead of 200 calories.

Make a phone call to the restaurant, that I’ll be eating at later with my partner’s parents for his birthday, trying not to talk to him about it because I don’t want to make it about me. I hate it. I asked him to go somewhere that has Mediterranean or Asian yesterday, “My family doesn’t eat that stuff,” He said. I get angry, “Is that where you got it from?” Why am I making it about me? Making a phone call to the restaurant, “Hi, I understand the vegan entrée isn’t available until after 4 pm, but I was hoping you could make an exception; I have dietary restrictions and I can only eat the side salad on your lunch menu and please help me not look insane to my boyfriend’s parents.”

Sure, you can have the vegan entrée.

I relax.

at lunch, something is wrong, something didn’t get communicated, I have to ask about the vegan entrée and explain it again like I did over the phone. I imagine his whole family looking at me. They’re not. It’s not about me. But they’re all looking at me.

I only ate half the entrée trying the whole time to feel for when my stomach expands even the slightest, I stop when I’ve eaten exactly half, my jeans feel tight. I want to die., in the bathroom, I look at myself from every angle.

The paranoia spills over into other parts of my life, “did he find his birthday present and lie to me about it?” “Are you lying” “Are you lying” “Are you lying” “I don’t believe you” “Are they looking at me” “Are they thinking about me” me me me m e me

For dinner, overcooked curried cauliflower over ½ C Rice, ½ C Peas,

Feeling full, uncomfortable,